Even 50 Shades of Blackberry weren’t enough

By Stephan Bazzocchi (photo by Kārlis Dambrāns)

With apprehension, I walked closer to the edge of the darkness that encompassed my existence for so long. The blinding light of the new dawn burned my eyes, unaccustomed to the brilliance that engulfed my entire being.
I cast off my shackles of the old world, with its QWERTY keyboard that was actual buttons, the horrible app support, and a data plan that consisted of carrier pigeons muttering their endless strings of zeros and ones.
My inner goddess (don’t we all have one?) jumped up and down, shaking pompoms, chanting phrases of endless ecstatic delight – the joy is thicker than molasses, sweeter than maple syrup, and more husky than… something.
The ancient relic from an era long past now sits in my junk drawer, with its other ancient brethren, the LG Rumour, the historic BlackBerry 8700, and the legendary Palm Treo 650.
No longer do I have to get mocked for my Blackberry Curve. I am now one that others envy. I now own a Google Nexus 5.
Gone are the days of being shunned like a leper at social functions. Gone are the days of being so out of sync with the rest of the world in the speed of social media. And gone are the days of not being able to post beautifully filtered selfies to Instagram.
In the proceeding weeks of this newfound bliss, I have explored the vast reaches of this new land: apps that track how many steps I’ve taken in a day, apps that let me voice control my phone, apps that make my phone scream in a humanlike voice when I shake it violently, and apps that make the icons on my screen swivel in awesome little patterns as I finally can partake in the societal ritual of swiping the screen side to side.
Yes, I understand, there is a new Nexus on the horizon, already available to some, but with all things new, it takes time for the serfs and peons like myself to obtain these new technologies that seem magical.
Imagine the lowly farmer with horse and plow, first experiencing a motorized tractor. It clearly becomes a device powered by witchcraft, forged in the hot depths of the fires of Hades, whose fingers lightly trace around the molten plastic and puckered silicone – or something.
Sometimes one forgets that dark love affair that one has with all things tech, the novelty of “new” has lost its sting as the endless stream of latest and greatest lashes itself across our dashes, pins and feeds.
We are endlessly spanked over and over again into submission with the endless march of corporate consumerism. This onslaught leaves our sense of “wow” seriously numbed, and we no longer see what a marvel of a world we live in.
Sometimes it’s best that we force ourselves to be bonded and tied to our devices for longer than we currently do, so as to not lose sight of the churning carnal desire that our obsession with these devices fills us with. It’s truly exciting to be feeling this alive in what is officially the future. Now where is my movie deal?

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